Sci Fi Drinking Songs

by Marc Gunn

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about

In one hand, a pint of Mudder’s Milk, in the other a bottle of Romulan Ale. Sing and laugh along with this Celtic Geek musical gem.

A Jedi saunters up to the bar at the Pub at the End of the Universe. “Gimme a Romulan Ale.”

“I’m sorry,” the Publican replies, “That’s still illegal.”

“What?! It’s been 52 million years and the universe is about to explode. Surely, you can serve it NOW?!”

“I’m sorry, Sir,” he replies apologetically, “And please don’t call me Shirlely.”

“All right, I’ll take a mudder’s milk, Monahan’s, please”.

Drinking can be found throughout the universe from Earth to Praxis, from Canton to Skaro. Come on, you know Davros was drinking something when he came up with the Daleks. In fact, I think The Doctor was there drinking with him.

What’s just as prevalent as drinking in the galaxy?

Drinking songs.

In fact, Sci Fi Drinking Songs aren’t just about drinking. They’re fun songs that you and I can sing along to while we’re in cars traveling to a Sci Fi Convention or Renaissance Festival. They’re songs we put on in the background while playing Dungeons & Dragons or Magic:The Gathering.

Sci Fi Drinking Songs are fun songs designed to make us laugh, cry, smile, and above all SING!

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released September 18, 2014

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about

Marc Gunn Birmingham, Alabama

Marc Gunn is a rhythm and folk musician inspired by Celtic culture, science fiction, fantasy, and cats. He breathes new life into the autoharp, which continues to surprise musical veterans and fans a like for it’s unique sound and spirited energy. It’s like a satirical jam session between The Clancy Brothers and Weird Al Yankovic. It’s Celtic music, the traditional and the twisted. ... more

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Track Name: Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster
The Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster
t’s the drink I never could master
It’s like having your brains smashed out by a lemon,
Wrapped ’round a gold brick
The Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster
Just one look I’m off the wagon faster
It’s like a mugging, a beating, a kick in the head
I’m broke and I wish I were dead.

I’ve hitchhiked intergalactic super highways
The bypass, back roads, all along the byways
At every stop, at every bar
The Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster hits me like a car
I’ve had porters, stouts, ales and lagers
Rum, Coke Whiskey and lots of Jager
I’ve had 42 different kinds of wine
But there’s only one drink to unhinge my mind

It’s got that Ol’ Janx Spirit juice from a bottle
Pour into one measure of Santraginus seawater
I’d make another gallon if I could remember how it went
But the last time I drank it, I lost 3 months rent
The whales, the dolphins, the mices, too,
They all know about this brew.
The Vogon warn about it in their verse
But, of the two, I’m not sure which is worse.

So all you hitchhikers take my advice
Don’t drink it once, don’t drink it twice
If you drink it at all, drink it very carefully
Tho if you drink it all, you’ll die quite cheerfully!
Track Name: Doctor of Gallifrey
1.
Doctor went back in time, confident and clever
Doctor went where he planned, well hardly ever
Doctor goes off with his new gal today
Strictly platonic, Doctor of Gallifrey
Face all the dangers, Doctor of Gallifrey
Don’t blink at Angels, Doctor of Gallifrey
Dress like a Cricket man, and don some celery
Who’s your designer, Doctor of Gallifrey?

2.
Doctor wears jackets, colored like toucans
Doctor wears bow ties, he says they’re cool man
Flies a police box, Time Lords get in the way
Play your recorder, Doctor of Gallifrey
You see the Master, Doctor of Gallifrey
Run a bit faster, Doctor of Gallifrey
The honeymoon suite, made Amy and Rory’s day
Check out his UNIT, Doctor of Gallifrey

3.
Doctor has fought with Daleks and Autons
Doctor has saved all the worlds that he’s fought on
Except for the one, he screwed up royally
Tell me now Doctor, what happened to Gallifrey?
Travels through time and space, Doctor of Gallifrey
Sometimes regenerates, Doctor of Gallifrey
Doesn’t that scarf get hot or in the way?
Have a Jelly Baby, Doctor of Gallifrey

4.
Take on the Cybermen, and be not afraid
And as with Microsoft, avoid the upgrade
They will delete, or possibly something worse
Just like the Borg from that other universe
The Silence attack again, Doctor of Gallifrey
Daleks are back again, Doctor of Gallifrey
If there’s no handicapped ramp they will exterminate
Wipe them from time itself, Doctor of Gallifrey

5.
Rose is the bad wolf, Susan will keep her wits
K-9’s a robot, Peri has big… eyes
River’s reversed, Captain Jack goes every way
Here’s to companions of Doctor of Gallifrey
Martha’s a doctor too, Doctor of Gallifrey
Zoe’s as smart as you, Doctor of Gallifrey
Jaime where’s your trousers, I think they went that-a-way
Please take me with you, Doctor of Gallifrey
Track Name: Bring Me Home, Boys
Bring me home, boys, bring me home.
Bring me home, boys, bring me home.
Go and tell my momma I died a man.
And when my breath has left, bring me home.

My sergeant said, boy, don’t you run.
I don’t care if the alliance comes.
I saw him die, but I took a stand.
So go and tell my papa I died a man.

I was brave, boy, as best I can.
I felt my gun shake, as a shot a man,
But bullets pierced my heart, can’t feel my hands.
Now go and tell my brother I died a man

Just you and me, boy, are left alive.
But I can tell, not long, until I die.
I did not run cause you’re my friend.
So go and tell my sister I died a man.
Track Name: Reavers, Malcolm, Reavers
I thought I heard Jayne Cobb say
Reavers Malcolm, Reavers
We’ve got to get going ‘fore they come our way
And we’re running from the Reavers

(chorus)
Reavers, Malcolm, Reavers
Oh Reavers Malcolm Reavers
For we’re sailing fast with the firefly aglow
and we’re running from the reavers

Lead us Malcom, lead us with that grin
Reaver’s Malcolm, Reavers
There’s many a worse spot that we’ve been in
Except while running from the reavers

River knocked out Jayne, that’ll never get old
Reavers Malcolm, Reavers
She’s like a weapon that is out of control
For Miranda and the Reavers

Are you sure you wanna go near Reaver space?
Reavers, Malcolm, Reavers
Where does it get fun to cut up your face?
Now we’re running from the Reavers

They all lay down and fell dead asleep
Reavers Malcolm, Reavers
I wonder if they dream of homicidal sheep?
‘Cause the rest turned into Reavers

Wash is an ace, he’s a leaf on the wind
Reaver’s Malcolm, reavers
And though he was great, whedon did him in
While we all ran away from reavers
Track Name: Isn't It Grand, Boys, to be Walking Undead
Look at the corpses, bloated and rotting
Isn’t it grand boys to be walking undead? (brains, Brains, BRAINS!)

No time for praying
Just time for a bloody last cry
And always remember the slower you run,
The sooner you’ll bloody well die

Look at the people, screaming in terror
Isn’t it grand boys to be walking undead? (brains, Brains, BRAINS!)

Look at the preacher, feasting on choir boys (nothing new)
Isn’t it grand boys to be walking undead? (brains, Brains, BRAINS!)

Look at the widow, she’s next on the menu
Isn’t it grand boys to be walking undead? (brains, Brains, BRAINS!)

Look at the flowers, crushed under molded feet
Isn’t it grand boys to be walking undead? (brains, Brains, BRAINS!)

Look at the whiskey, let’s down the whole barrel
Then it’s so grand boys to go hunting undead (brains, Brains, BRAINS!)

Look at the tombstone, see how it’s shifting
Up comes the hands of another undead (brains, Brains, BRAINS!)
Track Name: Jedi Drinking Song Prequel
A long time ago before Vader's sexual peak.
I met him there on Tattooine. He drank like he was Greek.
His momma said he's been this way since he was only three.
Qui Gon in awe said, "He's the one to fulfill the prophecy."

Qui Gon took young Anakin the Council for to see.
But Yoda said, "Afraid am I, drink irresponsibly."
So Qui Gon told Anakin, "Watch how I drink and all"
Then poor old Qui Gon drank too many shots with Darth Maul.
So drink yourself a shot of scotch, then down a pint of beer
Do not think that you can drink that boy under a chair.
Because Anakin will slam a beer with a lassie on each knee.
And when he finally sobers up, a sith at last he'll be.
C3P0 was well-designed to be a great bartender.
He could make six million drinks and put you on a bender.
With R2D2 by his side, he had a keg on wheels
And for Amadala, Ani drunk had extra FORCE appeal

I told my master Qui Gon Jinn I'd teach the boy to drink.
"No more than just one pint an hour." Said Anakin, "That Stinks!
Amidala likes me best when I'm all liquered up."
So he used the force to bring a round, then knocked the lassie up.

[solo]
When we drink, drunk we get.
When drunk we are, free of distraction are our minds.
When free of distraction, one with the Force we become.
So drunk let's get and become one with the Force.
(Hurry, we must. Jedi Happy Hour starts at 5.)

Meanwhile, Chancellor Palapatine needed a new lush.
He ordered grog for Anakin so he'd never sober up.
The twins were born but how I wish that one more thing could be.
That all the fans were all quite drunk with Star Wars 1 through 3.
Track Name: Those Characters Died
Rat robbed a dragon level 32 beware,
Little did he know it was Tiamat’s lair
Runt went to Tiamat to seek is revenge,
is hairy halfling toes were completely singed
Dag was backstabbed drinking beer, What a way to end his career!

Those are characters who died, died,
Those are characters who died, died
Those are characters who died, died,
Those are characters who died, died
They were all my characters, and they died.

Kablina wore a Quiver of Ehlonna on his back,
A Staff of the Magi he wielded for attacks
With magic rings and cloaks and spells he couldn’t lose
A giant got a crit, he was knocked out of his shoes
Kablina saved kingdoms for heaven’s sake, I can’t believe he died.

Keff was bitten by an ugly lycanthrope,
He lived a happy life, but was strangled by a rope
Sir Feta was a Paladin and defender of the faith
He was killed by undead and came back as a wraith
That wraith killed King Zimbar. They were characters of mine!

Cathng was an elf, who wasn’t quite right
He hacked off body parts and started organ fights
He took on a horde of hobgoblins all alone
Body parts started flying one caught him with a bone
Cathng only smiled at the irony. Before he died.

A roll of the dice and Cu Stronghold was the best
With his falchion sword and leather armor on his chest
He summoned a pseudo dragon and rode a magic rug
Til his familiar was enfeebled by one of his own thugs.
Then Cu was killed by his enfeebled dragon. Why did they have to die?

Nehaunta was a cleric as wise as can be.
He got a ring of wishes while only level three.
What kind of dungeon master would let him raise his stats
It was me so I killed him off with some vampire bats.
I don’t remember him, but he died.

Creld was a magic-user, thief acrobat
A good grey elf with a familiar black cat
No way he to be defeated while in the Dirkwood Forest
His psionics got him killed in a battle with a florist.
A florist? Is that really what happened? How did he die?

Delmar was a figher of great reknown
He fought so well that he won the Greyhawk throne
With a thousand hit points in a Monty Haul campaign
He died fighting Gods and I had to flush him down the drain
Delmar should’ve died sooner. He was a character of mine.

I found all these characters in a notebook from youth
The memories flooded back and I’m telling you the truth
I look back now and wonder how on earth I lasted
With so many characters lying dead in their caskets
I have so many fond memories… Of how they all died!
Track Name: The Smial or the Tree
Oh, my father was a halfling, from Hobbiton was he
My mother was an elfmaid, and in Mirkwood dwelleth she
They met once, only briefly, under an old oak tree
It was a worthy venture. Nine months later there came me

Oh, I feel so strange and mixed up, I hardly know myself
For my father was a hobbit and my mother was an elf

Too tall to hide inside a log, too short to climb a tree
Dear Dad was only 3 foot 6 while Mom was 6 foot 3
I’ve bright blue eyes and long blond hair, so how do you suppose
I ended up with curly braids a growin’ from my toes

Raised in Thranduil’s castle, the forest was my home
But always over hill and dale I felt inclined to roam
Every evening Mum and I through the woods did stroll
Til one night just like Dad, I went a-rollin’ down the hole

One day upon his doorstep I per-chanced to be
And when I rang the doorbell, he invited me to tea
We began to get aquainted as he showed me round the place
“So, how’s your Mum?” he asked of me, a sly grin on his face

Now as the heir apparent to all their worldly goods,
I’ve half a hillside in the Shire and acreage in the woods.
They took a ship to Valinor and sailed across the sea,
And left me on my own to choose the Smial or the Tree.
Track Name: Romulan Ale
When Vulcan was filled with emotions and war
To pull them from extinction there arose but one man
Surak deplored, “Emotions are bad.
Suppress all your feelings and logic will stand.”
Some Vulcans departed for Romulus they charted
No logic to guide them, they still did not fail
Then they started brewing, a blue mixture stewing
That swept the whole quandrant. It’s Romulan Ale

Romulan Ale, boys, Romulan Ale
No liquor in space is like Romulan Ale
Romulan Ale, boys, Romulan Ale
No liquor is quicker than Romulan Ale

You Vulcans and Humans, Ferengi, Bajorans
When once you have tasted, you know it’s a shame
That Romulan Ale was banned in all Quadrants
One sip and you’re drunk. Do you remember your name?
You’ll be a star gazer. It’s better than phasers.
To open your mind when diplomacy fails
Illegal it may be, but don’t let that stave thee
Just serve all those Klingons some Romulan Ale.

You captains may hide from Federation eyes
Be thankful that they won’t see you tomorrow morn
When you grab a pretty ensign to take away your tension
She’ll pull you straight to her as you fall through her door
You’ll kiss her sweet lips, then stumble through the ship
She’ll tell all her friends, the captain she nailed
Intoxicating nectar, Klingon blood wine’s no better
Than a big gallon jug of that Romulan Ale

You doctors who use it for medicinal fun
Better stick to your potions and hypos and pills
It may help you forget the exwives that you stunned
But your left with your bones and barely a will
Romulans they noticed these effects were a bonus
An extra added way to conquer the frail
Export this blue liquor, emotions fall quicker.
Just spike Vulcan water with Romulan Ale
Track Name: Free Brains
If I turned into a zombie
Would you still be friends with me
Because my neck is drenched in blood
And I’m craving your flesh to eat

But if I die here, I’m sorry Shawn
It’s been a gas and I’m not ashamed
But I won’t stop til you stop laughing
Or until I get to eat your brains!

I think I wanna eat your brains
As long you don’t bash in my brains
Please don’t bash in my brains

Bye-bye, Shawn, you’re a real good friend
Though you are whipped and I’m in chains
I bet Liz won’t be happy if
I bite you while playing video games.

But if I die here, I’m sorry Shawn
It’s been a gas and I’m not ashamed
And I won’t stop til you stop laughing
Or until I get to eat your brains!

Oh maybe I will eat your brains
Doncha know I want your brains
Brains! Brains! Brains!
Track Name: Browncoats Keep Flyin'
*Freedom’s a spark
in the heart of the Black
and the Browncoats are aimin’
to take our ‘Verse back

Serenity Valley broke many a man
but the Browncoats keep flyin’
as best as we can.
Our fight weren’t for glory
or gold or for guns.
Our fight was for freedom
for our daughters and sons.

Sure there are comforts we lost ‘long the way
and many a Browncoat’s
still hunted today.
But our prize is the freedom
to follow the stars
and to know that whatever
we hold to is ours.

Oh, the Black has its dangers–
like Reavers and thieves–
but it goes on forever,
as free as you please.
So we’ll try our luck there
till it beats us at last…
Our faces turned forward,
our hearts in the past.

So band with us brothers,
wheree’er you might be
and remember the lessons of Serenity–
For Browncoats stood tall
when they gave us their worst,
and there are no finer men
in the whole of the ‘Verse.
And the Browncoats keep flyin’
as best as we can…
Track Name: Jedi's Dargle
Says my Jedi to your Jedi,
"Will ya' come to the cantina?"
Says your Jedi to my Jedi,
"I'm surprised that I never have seen ya'"

I'm in there most every night
the cantina in Mos Eis - ley
Where the bartender thinks I pay for my drinks
and always tip quite nicely!

Chorus:
What are ya' havin'? Will ya' have a pint?
Yes I'll have a pint on you Sir!
Use a little mind control, we're Jedi don't ya' know
And we'll drink for free at the boozer!

Says my Jedi to your Jedi,
"Will ya' come to the Jedi's Dargle?"
Says your Jedi to my Jedi,
"Sure I lost my money to Watto"
"I've been to Mos Eisley town
To see old Ben Keno-bi.
But he wouldn't give me half a crown
And he acted like he didn't even know me!"

(Chorus)

Says my Jedi to your Jedi,
"Will ya' come ta' the pod day races?"
Says your Jedi to my Jedi,
"For the price of my Jedi braces"
I went to Mos Eisley town
To find a fast podracer
But Watto wouldn't give me one credit
Not even for my lightsaber

(Chorus)

What are ya' havin'? Will ya' have a pint?
Yes I'll have a pint on you Sir!
But if you're causin' any harm cuttin' off an arm
You'll be thrown out of the boozer.
Track Name: A Boy and His Frog
Life is unfair, so they tell me,
Because they think I wouldn't know.
They only can see a cheap gimmick
On their children's favorite show.

They say, "Oh, that's just foam and a wire,
Attached to a green velvet sleeve,
Anyone can do that" -- well, that's true, I suppose,
But who else could make them believe?

What can I say without you there to guide me?
How else am I supposed to give?
How can I sing without you there beside me?
How else am I supposed to live?

You could never just do the expected,
I was just an idea in a bog,
But you sewed up your dream and we made quite a team,
Jim and Kermit, a boy and his frog.

It was me, Rolph, and you, but I think that he knew
There was something that you and I had.
The magic we made just kept growing,
And none of it ever was bad.

Then came Ernie and Scooter and Gonzo,
Doctor Teeth, Cookie Monster, and more.
But now all of those voices are silent,
And I want to go on... but what for?

No one can make me what you did,
No one could walk in your shoes,
Nothing can make me forget you,
But that's not a thing that I'd choose.

I can't just let it be over,
And you wouldn't want it that way,
So I'll stand up and I'll face it,
And, though not quite in your voice, I'll say:

I will go on without you there to guide me,
There's so much more I can give.
Whenever I sing, you will be there beside me,
As long as I keep you, you'll live.

We just wanted to make people happy,
I was always much more than your toy.
I will never regret and I'll never forget
What we had,
I'll miss you, Dad,
This frog and his boy.
Track Name: Come Take a Trip on My Airship
I love a sailor; the sailor loves me,
And sails ev'ry night to my home.
He's not a sailor that sails o'er the sea,
Or over the wild briny foam;
For he owns and air-ship and sails up on high.
He's just like a bird on the wing,
And when the shadows of evening draw nigh,
He'll sail to my window and sing:

CHORUS:
Come, take a trip in my airship. Come, take a sail 'mong the stars.
Come, have a ride around Venus. Come, have a spin around Mars.
No one to watch while we're kissing, no one to see while we spoon,
Come take a trip in my airship and we'll visit the man in the moon.

One night, while sailing away from the crowds,
We passed through the milky white way,
Just idly sailing and watching the clouds.
He asked me if I'd name the day.
And right near the dipper, I gave him my heart.
The sun shines on our honeymoon.
We swore from each other we never would part
And teach all the babies this tune: